Now that I’ve admitted to myself and gotten used to the idea that I am a transguy, I find it ever more annoying when people misgender me. Oh, I know it’s only to be expected. I don’t pass yet, and until I get on T (and have been on T for at least a while) I know I won’t pass either.
I can wear the right clothes, have the right haircut and try to remember to talk in the lower registers of my voice all I want, but it’s not enough. It will not make me pass. I know this and try to be patient, but sometimes it bothers me more than I like to admit.
Of course it doesn’t help that I’m still in the cupboard, with only my husband, daughters and a few close friends in the know. They don’t call me by my chosen name. Not yet. They can’t, because they’d out me before I’m ready. But I hate being called by the name my parents gave me at birth. I’ve hated that name for as long as I can remember.
So I need to step out of that cupboard. Soon. I feel like I’m choking in there. I want to shout it out to everyone who will listen: “I’m Liam! I’m a guy! Look at me, just look with your heart’s eyes and see me for who I really am. Call me Liam!”
Yet here I am. Still holding back. Still waiting.
We were visiting my parents the other day and though I wanted to tell them, I only dropped a few hints taking care not to be too obvious. Why? Because it was my dad’s birthday and I didn’t want to spoil his special day for him. That’s a valid enough reason, right?
But now… they’ll be visiting us next weekend. Will I tell them, or will I still feel the need to hold off? Do I want to spoil their wedding anniversary? Or the party they’re throwing a week later? And if I wait till after their party, should I then wait till after my mum’s birthday? Till after Christmas?
I’m sick of waiting. Sick of hiding. The perfect time will never come. In the end, I’ll just have to show some balls and tell them. No matter what.