Breaking point

When something seems to good to be true, it usually is. I should have realised that when I came out to my parents and they seemed so accepting. Sadly things have now escalated to the point where I won’t be able to see them – or speak to them – anymore. Not until things get better. Not until Mum gets tired of playing the Blame Game, which might well take a while.

So what did I do?

  • Mum and Dad apparently had a rotten holiday and that is my fault. For coming out to them as transgender.
  • I am a selfish and egoistical person for coming out to them when I did.
  • When I have something in my head, I have no regard for others’ feelings and trample on their souls to get my way.

That basically sums it up. That’s pretty vicious, if you ask me. And it’s not the first time she’s treated me this way. As long as I live up to her expectations, all is fine. I’ve been living a lie for decades, just to keep the peace. Should I have continued the lie, just to keep her happy? And if so, does she realise this might eventually have killed me?

Does she realise that her behaviour only serves to alienate me from her? That it makes me feel rejected for who I am? Does she really love me, or does she just love the image she has of me? The false image of a perhaps rather eccentric and masculine daughter, but a daughter all the same.

Incidentally, she also said she and Dad will never call me by my chosen name. Never. How’s that for rejection? And guess what? I simply cannot cope with that kind of rejection. No-one should ever have to feel rejected by their parents. Much less should anyone have to feel rejected by their parents for simply wanting to be themselves.

Oh, I know the theology. God gave them a daughter and not a son, and therefore I am not allowed to get adequate treatment for my gender dysphoria. I get that. And it’s a very misguided and cruel theology.

God gave me a daughter. She was born with multiple congenital defects. Yes, defects. The worst of them was undoubtedly that her brainstem had not fully developed. So you see, God had not created a perfect little human being, but rather a severely disabled little girl who had to live her short life suffering in ways no-one should have to suffer.

Now, according to the theology that prohibits me from getting adequate medical treatment for my gender dysphoria (which is after all a congenital condition), my husband and I should have refrained from getting our little girl adequate medical treatment for her myriad of medical issues, which all stemmed from her birth defects. And you know what would have happened then? She’d have died before she was even one day old.

So forgive me if I don’t give a dog’s shit about that kind of theology. It’s misguided, it’s cruel and potentially life threatening. I want nothing to do with a god who shows his supposed love for the people he created in this evil way. There, I said it. And I won’t take it back either. My God is a loving God. My God is fine with my choice to transition, because transitioning might very well save my life.

With that out of the way, I’ll now address the accusations Mum made against me.

  • The spoilt holiday – While it is true that my timing was far from perfect, it was not my coming out that ruined their holiday. Rather, it was their reaction to it. And maybe Mum’s guilt for the huge row she had with my uncle shortly before he died. None of which was my fault.
  • My selfishness and egoism – Dictionary.com defines egoism as follows: “the habit of valuing everything only in reference to one’s personal interest“, and selfish as follows: “devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.” These two terms are pretty much interchangeable, and do not pertain to me.
    Yes, as I already allowed above, my timing was far from perfect. But as I explained in a previous post the perfect time would never come and it was becoming ever more necessary for me to step out of the cupboard. I waited for as long as I could, but in the end I just had to bite the bullet and tell them. That’s no egoism. That’s self-preservation. There’s a difference between those two.
  • The “When I have something in my head, I have no regard for others’ feelings and trample on their souls to get my way” argument. – What can I say? That’s just total bollocks, and she obviously has no idea. As far as I can tell, I’ve always been the most compliant of the three of us (my sisters and me). I was fucking scared of Mum. She could loose her temper at the drop of a hat and then all hell broke loose. I’d rather keep my head down and not be noticed than risk a walloping.
    However, sometimes there would be things that were so important to me, that I stood my ground. Even if that meant punishment. And yes, I would go berserk when I got beaten for simply being true to myself for once. If that makes me guilty of trampling on people’s souls, then so be it. I never claimed to be perfect. My being able to be open about my gender identity is a pretty big thing. I think I have the right to finally stand up for myself about my being transgender. It’s bloody been fifty years. Not even Harry Potter had to live in the cupboard for that long.

And now? I honestly don’t know. It’s Mum’s 80th birthday today, and I could not visit her. I wanted to go. I’d been looking forward to it. And now, with her blaming me, with her attacks on my person and her rejection of who I am, I’ve had to choose to stay home. That’s a rotten choice, made worse by the fact that I feel unable to talk to her over the phone at the moment. She’d be calling me by my given name, and I wouldn’t be allowed to correct her. I wouldn’t be allowed to talk about my being transgender. In fact, I wouldn’t be allowed to talk about anything that might upset her. So I’d have to play pretend. Again.

I played with the idea of sending her flowers but had to reject that too. I’d have had to sign the card with my given name. The name I’ve hated my entire life.

I wish there were another way, but if there is, I don’t see it. I just cannot win. So I’m stuck waiting for her to stop making me all those accusations and to finally really accept me for who I am. I can only hope she loves me enough to do so before it’s too late. The next move is on her.

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24 Responses to Breaking point

  1. georgiakevin says:

    Man do i ever understand, my brothers, sisters, spouse and children feel, the same way as your parents do………………………………… poor you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Tam says:

    It took a long time for me to realize some relationships before I transitioned were unhealthy and I stayed in them out of my refusal to love myself. Transition can clarify – painfully – the dynamics of every relationship you have. It’s not an easy path. But if you give yourself the space you need to reflect on the right path it will be ok. Some day you will look back and be grateful for the lessons authenticity brings.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. George Davis says:

    Coming out to your parents was a brave and loving thing to do. For them to get complain about the timing is incredibly selfish. You are not the egotistical one here.

    I think it may take your mother a while to adjust to the change, but I think there’s a good chance she’ll calm down about blaming you. I hope it works out for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lesboi says:

    Liam, I feel for you. Much of what your mum said sounds like what I imagine my mother would say if she was still alive. Your mum may never come around but that should not stop you from proceeding with your transition. Please don’t allow her to put you back in that awful cupboard again. Eventually she will look ridiculous calling you by a female name and pronouns. You know who you are and you know what you are. She doesn’t get to define you anymore. Keep your head up and be proud. I wish you only the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Lesboi. I’m definitely not going back in that cupboard anymore. I hate the dark, and prefer kittens over spiders. I am me, and I’m a guy, whether anyone likes it or not. Thankfully, my mum is not able to make my choices for me anymore, and I have the love and support of my family, friends and other relatives.

      Like

  5. Claire says:

    Please don’t feel it is your fault, I think people can be quite selfish when presented with something that isn’t within the ‘ norm’ I mean let’s face it not many parents have to deal with this situation. Don’t let their feelings compromise who you are, maybe she feels you have lived this long as female that how can you possibly not be? Personally I had a lot of fear when Jake told me but I kept all this internally whilst supporting him, was that because he was so much younger and I was living with his depression etc daily I knew I had to support and show strength as the only other choice was, well I’m sure you know. It could be just part of her grief, it may change, just remain strong.
    An interesting book you may like to read is far from the tree- Andrew Solomon – it’s quite heavy reading but one of the chapter is about transgender and contains some of the old studied etc,kindle had the book a lot cheaper than a hard copy.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. honest11 says:

    Keep your head up Liam. I feel for you. I am sorry your parents are putting you such a difficult time. Maybe they will come around in the future, but I know it hurts not to have their support. Definitely don’t let it stop you from transitioning though. This is your life, and only you can make you happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. krisalex333 says:

    Oh, Liam, such hurt our loved ones impose on us and then we feel guilty for something we did not choose. All I can say is that I feel for you, like all of your blog followers. I know it does not help one iota, but we at least understand what you are going through. I hope you have people whose understanding and love will soothe and heal. Take care. Hugs.
    Kris

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Josh Moll says:

    Hugs and more hugs. I read it just now and i hope she will turn around fast.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ouch!!! God made you perfectly. And I think we trans folks have a purpose in the bigger scheme of things. Religious dogma is unfortunately ruled by human fear. I hope your parents can find an opening again for them to love and embrace you as you are!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. LovingLaine says:

    Im catching up on your story, (and highly intrigued by it I might add). Your mother sounds so much like Laine’s mom. “God gave me a daughter” “you can’t be a man” blah blah. Angers me every week when we visit and it angers Laine too. I tell him all the time he is a better person than I would be in his situation because when it comes to those birthday cards, he signs his birth name as to not upset her. My opinion, she can p*** off. (Pardon my language) When he writes our visits onto her calendar so she knows when we are in and out of town, he uses his birth name and I cringe. It angers him to write it, but he does it anyway and I can’t understand why.
    You don’t deserve your mother’s accusations and blame. And SHE is the one in the wrong for not giving you the credit you deserve for being authentic and coming out as who you really are. Stay strong and know you are not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, that’s what I thought when I first started reading your blog. Laine’s mother and mine sound very much alike. Having said that, things have changed since I wrote this post. My mother has finally started calling me by my chosen name. It took a lot, but she is making the effort now. I hope Laine’s mother will get to that point too. Sooner, rather than later.

      Liked by 1 person

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