Depression is trying to catch me in its crippling claws, but so far I’ve been able to resist its dark call. I know it’s there. Hiding in a corner waiting for the chance to take me down but I won’t let it. It’s staring me in the face but I will look the monster in the eyes and tell it to get the hell out of my life.
I know why this is happening, though I don’t quite understand why now. Why not sooner? Or why not later? That part is still a mystery to me, but I don’t really think that matters. To sum it all up in just one sentence: Too much has been going on with too little time to process everything.
I had my diagnosis of Ehlers-Danlos just over a year ago, back in November 2013. I thought I handled it all very well. Nothing much changed, right?
Wrong! A lot changed and as the symptoms of the EDS worsen and my body objects more and more to my actions, I am feeling increasingly disabled. I need this
fucking wheelchair. I’ve been begging the “Mighty Ones” to give me one since last summer but I still don’t have it. Not even any promises. Meanwhile my ability to walk gets worse and worse.
My fingers won’t do my bidding. My shoulder dislocates – usually several times a day. I laugh and shift a rib. My knees hurt worse than ever. My teeth get worse. My elbows and wrists hurt. My handwriting becomes illegible. I send small objects flying all the time. And I still manage to bump into doorposts and other objects that don’t normally move around. Not in a Muggle home, anyway.
Then there’s all the projects in and around the house that just don’t get done as fast as I want. I get started on one project, planning to finish it in a month (a whole month, people!) and two weeks into the next month it’s still not finished and my body feels like it’s been run over by a truck – and has felt like that for the last three weeks.
Oh, and then there’s that other little thing. The genderdysphoria. Can I just say I want my body to change into a guy’s body overnight? It happened in one of the stories I once wrote, so I see no reason why it can’t happen in real life.
So here’s my wish-list:
- A healthy male body
- A nice deep voice
- Facial hair
- Strong muscles
- And everything else a person needs to make a life worth living
I had my second appointment with my gender therapist last week. The first appointment was just getting to know each other. This time we got down to work. I’m really not sure that I want to go in details about what we discussed, but suffice it to say that my head was spinning on my way home. The taxi driver was not a chatty man, so he just left me to my own thoughts. Thank goodness for small mercies.
It’s been a couple of days now and my thoughts are still racing. I know it’s necessary to drag up my past, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant. I will persist though, because I need that diagnosis. I need the HRT and the surgeries which won’t happen till after the diagnosis so what choice do I have?
Usually I’m a pretty rational guy. And believe me, I can be quite rational about this. It’s just that this time my emotions don’t want to get in line with my ratio. Pretty darn annoying. I still want it all, and I want it right now.