I want it now

Depression is trying to catch me in its crippling claws, but so far I’ve been able to resist its dark call. I know it’s there. Hiding in a corner waiting for the chance to take me down but I won’t let it. It’s staring me in the face but I will look the monster in the eyes and tell it to get the hell out of my life.

I know why this is happening, though I don’t quite understand why now. Why not sooner? Or why not later? That part is still a mystery to me, but I don’t really think that matters. To sum it all up in just one sentence: Too much has been going on with too little time to process everything.

I had my diagnosis of Ehlers-Danlos just over a year ago, back in November 2013. I thought I handled it all very well. Nothing much changed, right?

Wrong! A lot changed and as the symptoms of the EDS worsen and my body objects more and more to my actions, I am feeling increasingly disabled. I need this fucking wheelchair. I’ve been begging the “Mighty Ones” to give me one since last summer but I still don’t have it. Not even any promises. Meanwhile my ability to walk gets worse and worse.

My fingers won’t do my bidding. My shoulder dislocates – usually several times a day. I laugh and shift a rib. My knees hurt worse than ever. My teeth get worse. My elbows and wrists hurt. My handwriting becomes illegible. I send small objects flying all the time. And I still manage to bump into doorposts and other objects that don’t normally move around. Not in a Muggle home, anyway.

Then there’s all the projects in and around the house that just don’t get done as fast as I want. I get started on one project, planning to finish it in a month (a whole month, people!) and two weeks into the next month it’s still not finished and my body feels like it’s been run over by a truck – and has felt like that for the last three weeks.

Oh, and then there’s that other little thing. The genderdysphoria. Can I just say I want my body to change into a guy’s body overnight? It happened in one of the stories I once wrote, so I see no reason why it can’t happen in real life.

So here’s my wish-list:

  • A healthy male body
  • A nice deep voice
  • Facial hair
  • Strong muscles
  • And everything else a person needs to make a life worth living

Reality Check:

I had my second appointment with my gender therapist last week. The first appointment was just getting to know each other. This time we got down to work. I’m really not sure that I want to go in details about what we discussed, but suffice it to say that my head was spinning on my way home. The taxi driver was not a chatty man, so he just left me to my own thoughts. Thank goodness for small mercies.

It’s been a couple of days now and my thoughts are still racing. I know it’s necessary to drag up my past, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant. I will persist though, because I need that diagnosis. I need the HRT and the surgeries which won’t happen till after the diagnosis so what choice do I have?

Usually I’m a pretty rational guy. And believe me, I can be quite rational about this. It’s just that this time my emotions don’t want to get in line with my ratio. Pretty darn annoying. I still want it all, and I want it right now.

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14 Responses to I want it now

  1. Kris says:

    Damn that Black Dog – keep fighting it, Liam. I feel for you. I did not even know about ED before I started reading your blog. I know what it feels like to fight a dual onslaught – physical and mental, but we will keep on fighting. Take care. In Afrikaans we would say, ‘Vasbyt!’

    Liked by 1 person

    • The dual onslaught it pretty exhausting, but we won’t give up. Neither you nor me. “Vasbyt” we will!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kris says:

        Liam, I’ve been thinking about you and your gender therapist sessions. You spoke about “dragging up the past” – I sincerely hope s/he does not try and “explain” your gender dysphoria by linking it to incidents from your childhood or later. We are what we are not because of anything that happened to us, it is/was not a choice or turning away from one gender because of… whatever. Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

        • No need to worry about that, I think. I’m in good hands. He’s not so much trying to explain my gender dysphoria by linking it to childhood incidents, but rather is looking for clues of my trans identity in my childhood. And that’s painful, seeing that I come from a very religious background. It’s the not having been able to express my true self and the not having been able to develop my personality fully that hurts. It made me try to take my own life. Twice.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Kris says:

            I find echoes of your childhood in mine, the very stifling religion that did more harm than good, the suppression of the inner boy and the almost giving over to depression and ending it all. Good to hear the therapist is having you explore the deep recesses of your mind. Let that boy come out and grow to manhood. Sterkte!

            Like

  2. Josh Moll says:

    I feel your pain, and I will listen. It is good to resist the lure of the blackness, to be in charge, to close doors on despair. But it is good too to find a friend and talk, and give yourself some slack.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Josh, you’re one of my best friends. It was you, more than anyone else, who helped me accept that I had trouble walking and needed a mobility scooter. It was you who gave me the strength and hope to accept – however reluctantly – that my body was not quite as healthy as I’d always thought. And you remain my inspiration. I don’t know where I’d be without you.

      Like

  3. rimonim says:

    Damn, it sounds like things are really difficult right now! My heart goes out to you in your struggle with depression and disability. I really hope you can get the resources you need so you can cope with this effectively.

    Waiting is one of the very hardest parts of transition. After a lifetime of waiting, the prospect of months and years salts the wound. I hope you get through the hoops soon and can start enjoying the results.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Ashton Nolan says:

    Even in your darkest days remember that not everyone has the strength to fight for the brighter days. I’m 29 it took me forever to get here but none of it was easy. Battling this demon or that.

    Hang in there your diagnosis will come and a great journey will begin. I can’t wait to read more!

    Liked by 1 person

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