What have I done? And now what do I do? This is getting complicated.
So I had my appointment with this psychologist at the gender clinic. This very experienced senior psychologist. A man my own age, or actually probably a little older.
I didn’t look forward to meeting him. I was nervous. I was tired and hurting more than usual. Did I really need to go? Did I really want to be away from home for most of the day? But I had this appointment, and I wasn’t going to back out at the very last moment.
I arrived early and decided to have a cup of tea and a cheese roll at the restaurant first. I still had about fifteen minutes to spare when I took the elevator to the first floor where the gender clinic is located.
The waiting room was quiet when I got there. I got my book out – I always carry a book with me – and started reading. Next thing I knew, a young woman entered the waiting room. She was loud and disruptive and I couldn’t concentrate on my reading anymore, so I secretly wished she would faint or at least get lost.
It was quite a relief when the psychologist came to fetch me. He exuded an effortless confidence that made it easy to talk to him. So very different from his colleague who – I realise only now – lacked exactly that quality. Instead, he seemed to doubt himself and his capabilities every step of the way. That’s probably what led him to doubt the authenticity of my trans identity. That’s what made me uneasy in his company. His lack of faith in himself.
Anyway, I do trust this psychologist and I will be able to work well together. I never felt like I needed to choose my words carefully. He said he wasn’t always very nice, and I got right back at him: “That’s OK. Me neither.” I never even needed to think about it.
He asked me what I wanted him to do for me. I told him I wanted to get on T the day before yesterday. I said I wanted to be a sexy guy – like Timothy Dalton. And I wanted a shipload of money so I could get myself the clothes I’d need to look like Timothy Dalton. He said I’d need to go to the bank for the latter. 😀
He wanted to know what I’d do if he were to refuse to give me green light. I told him I’d get my T from the black market if I had to. So then he asked why I hadn’t already done so, and I answered quite truthfully that I’d rather play it safe. He seemed satisfied with my answer.
Finally, he pointed at my book and asked, “Why are you reading Kalat?” I knew he’d wonder about that, and in fact, I would never have brought that book with me, were it not that I’m currently out of fiction books and waiting for my book order to arrive. (It’s bloody taking forever…)
So it was Kalat. Biological Psychology. The thing is, I was a psychology student once. I wanted to become a scientist, but had to give it up due to health issues. My love for psychology, however, never left me. So I read Kalat. And Gleitman, Bloom and Lazerson, and others. I won’t deny myself that pleasure, though I do usually read those books in private.
I scheduled my next appointment with him in September. And here’s the problem. I’m also waiting to hear from this other psychologist. If he gets me my diagnosis first, there’s hardly any reason to continue my talks with this psychologist, right? But I like him.
Such a mess.
Oh well, I guess it’ll sort itself out. No need to stress out over it. At least I’m definitely getting somewhere now. That’s the important thing.