Still waiting

June has come  and I’m still waiting. Meanwhile I found out that age had not taken care of my shark weeks and I had the most horrible migraine I had in ages. Oh well. I guess that means my hormonal levels are back to normal and that’s a good thing when I get my blood work done. (Always look on the bright side of life, eh?)

And people continue to read me as female, which annoys me no end. I just want that low voice, the facial hair, and the muscles I should have had for decades already.

Muscles… oh boy, muscles. I used to have them, when I was much younger and had never even heard of Ehlers-Danlos. Back when I still went to jiu-jitsu training three times a week. I was strong. A strong young man, en never mind that female body. I did all the things men did except stand to pee.  But I never sat down properly either, as that just felt wrong, so I did something in between.

How things have changed. When I look at all the things I lost thanks to the EDS, it’s probably the strong muscles I miss most. I try to get at least some muscle back, but it’s extremely hard work, seeing that EDS and growing muscles are sort of incompatible with each other. I am succeeding, though at a snail’s pace. Getting out of the house in my wheelchair and pushing my limits helps. So I ride on grass. I take curbs. That kind of thing. Even if it helps only just a little, it definitely makes me feel good about myself.

 

Oh, and then I found this: 8 Trans People Deliver Emotional And Inspiring Messages To Their Younger Selves.

As I watched the video I kinda wished I had a message to my younger self, but what can I say? I’m still living in that female body. There’s no way I can use hindsight to encourage my younger self. Not yet. Besides, what’s the point? I live today. My younger self was in the past, and time traveling only happens in fiction.

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About Liam

Poet, writer, aspiring minimalist
This entry was posted in FTM, transgender and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Still waiting

  1. Kris says:

    With your dedication and drive, the future can only smile on an older, more muscular you. T is coming soon, not so? You have earned my admiration and respect, Liam – I am a better person for knowing you, if only online. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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