Still waiting

June has come  and I’m still waiting. Meanwhile I found out that age had not taken care of my shark weeks and I had the most horrible migraine I had in ages. Oh well. I guess that means my hormonal levels are back to normal and that’s a good thing when I get my blood work done. (Always look on the bright side of life, eh?)

And people continue to read me as female, which annoys me no end. I just want that low voice, the facial hair, and the muscles I should have had for decades already.

Muscles… oh boy, muscles. I used to have them, when I was much younger and had never even heard of Ehlers-Danlos. Back when I still went to jiu-jitsu training three times a week. I was strong. A strong young man, en never mind that female body. I did all the things men did except stand to pee.  But I never sat down properly either, as that just felt wrong, so I did something in between.

How things have changed. When I look at all the things I lost thanks to the EDS, it’s probably the strong muscles I miss most. I try to get at least some muscle back, but it’s extremely hard work, seeing that EDS and growing muscles are sort of incompatible with each other. I am succeeding, though at a snail’s pace. Getting out of the house in my wheelchair and pushing my limits helps. So I ride on grass. I take curbs. That kind of thing. Even if it helps only just a little, it definitely makes me feel good about myself.


Oh, and then I found this: 8 Trans People Deliver Emotional And Inspiring Messages To Their Younger Selves.

As I watched the video I kinda wished I had a message to my younger self, but what can I say? I’m still living in that female body. There’s no way I can use hindsight to encourage my younger self. Not yet. Besides, what’s the point? I live today. My younger self was in the past, and time traveling only happens in fiction.


About Dansinger

Poet, writer, aspiring minimalist
This entry was posted in FTM, transgender and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Still waiting

  1. Kris says:

    With your dedication and drive, the future can only smile on an older, more muscular you. T is coming soon, not so? You have earned my admiration and respect, Liam – I am a better person for knowing you, if only online. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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